dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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