oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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