God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
