sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
