I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
