dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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