I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
