Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
