I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
