Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
