Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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