Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
