Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
