I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
its liver damage thursday
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
