I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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