After last night, I could never be a politician.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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