Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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