What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
