I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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