WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
