she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
