The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
