I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
