he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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