Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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