I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
