is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
