do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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