I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
