Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
