the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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