I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
