i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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