Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
