I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
someone owes me an orgasm
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize