the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
