I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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