Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I want to make a zoo with you.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
