If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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