i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
