if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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