before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
