He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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