I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
