You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
