So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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