I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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