Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Randomize
