Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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