my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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