Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
