Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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