i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
