i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
