i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
