I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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