My first STD was from a foam party
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
