Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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