So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
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