so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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