I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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