You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
