I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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