Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
