I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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