How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
