I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
