Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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