Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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