that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize