Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
